Square One!

So here i am..stucked at the bottom pit again!...Back to square one..

I don seem to be able to stay in the right track always..One week i am celebrating my success.. Another week i am lamenting my poor luck..It just seems that i can never be happy till i really get the answers i want..or maybe..let me put it in another way..

I can never be happy unless i can really achieve what ever i desired!..Last week's match was my morale booster..and this week match was a very big nightmare..5-1 was the score..

The defeat did felt bad..Kutti trusted me and give me the nod ahead of the match to play goalkeeper..A fabulous 1st half soon marred into a nightmarish 2nd half..Letting in four goals in second half was bad enough to pull my general level of confidence to the bottom end..Congratz to the opponent..They took their chance and dictate play..While we just didn't had the killer instinct..Kutti limped off..Sarvesh took a blow to his rib..Vicky had his knee covered in bruises..I had my hand scratched from the vain dives in the hard soil...Communication was the word that simply wasn't in anyone's mind today..for me..the effort i put in was overlooked by the goals that i conceded..and it successfully helps my confidence level to plunge even deeply.

Obviousli it is a learning experience and looking at it in such point of view does help me feel better..If everyone is thinking tat the defeat is the main reason why i feel so deeply down..i have to say that it isn't jus that...There is more to it...

Some seriousli 'shocking discoveries' that i discovered recently surely add on to my miseries.. Sureli it does no help to me...I dont wish to share this 'shocking discoveries' as i want it to be personal but surely one day i would open it up...

one day?

Finally

At sentosa

Finally i can see some glimpses of positive things coming about..and its somethin to cheer about..After all, for sometime i have been going around lamenting my misfortunes..and currently its nice to be in a better position compared to that miserable situations...

One such morale boosting incident is today's soccer match..It's such a morale booster..an eye opener..maybe a successful test of my abilities..Yea..we won..5-2..compared to the strength in our opponents team..its a great result..All were 19 years old and above..Most of them were even NS regulars!..damn fit!

My position: Goalkeeper..Gerard didn come..so i had to take over that position..Obviousli no one did trust that i can play well in that position..Somethin that isn't surprising to me..My performances in the past didn contribute to my defense...all i need is some concrete evidence that i am not a bad player..

and today's match proved me that i am not hopeless..and i am so freakin happy that i was commended by everyone..even the opponents..but all credits go to Mama Nigger and Kutti..They realli motivated me very well from the beginning of the match....Obviousli the other players did congratulate me when i made good saves or played smartly..Thanks Broz..I am just so happy!

Now its back to school..i have re-establised relationships with alot of people leaving my ego in a dead end..and i am happy that i am again trying my best to do well in my studies..All i need now is some consistency and i am sure that i will go in the right track soon..

and ya..to my Bestie

Happy 18th Birthday Bharu..
so some one finally 18 lah..haha!..

Losing

After a day wasted in school..i was feelin bad tat i didn gain anythin frm the lesson 2dae..And i realized tat i didn even take the effort to open the Problem Statement for the day!..i was jus not motivated to study nor was i be able to focus...Feelin a little fucked type from some incidents..i was jus not in the state to study..was jus chattin wif Maya D'Souza the whole day and just lepakin..It can be jus written off as a day wasted in school!..

I jus seem to lose the plot...i jus feel like giving up...I jus dont feel motivated to do well..Even though its nice to see my grades being constant this semester..the performance i gave in the last two lessons i attended realli wasn't up to satisfactory..and it jus seem that it can worsen...

Lookin around me..most of them have taken their studies seriousli except for few..Havin to face alot of obstacles..i am jus not in the right state to have a positive approach or studies..I jus seem to lose alot of support..Luckily there are some kind souls who realli do understand my situation and i am thankful for that..

All I jus need is some counsellin now..
This is a dark period of my life with jus some glimpses of brightness in the form of some good souls..but the point rite now is tat...


I am just LOSING!..

Chao Class

Bananas for Peranakan Monkey...

So for the second time in this semester i left class half way..The first time came in the first week of the lesson. However that was an emergency and somethin tat was important.I don't regret leaving for that. However today was a different situation. I still wondering whether if i had stayed through out i would have maintain my good string of grades.To get 8 Bs and 1 C in 9 lessons was somethin that i dreamt off and i was acually kinda happy that at least this semester i am proving consistency.The 1 C was a result of leaving class half way through.

Coming back to today, i still feelin the pain of losing a good grade. Coming to school today in the mornin was very very different from me. Walkin to school without the usual gang of Kavitha, Reena, Rubini, Ahil and Kamini made me feel lonely..Looking at the current situation and the mess that i have made, i realli losed my motivation to attend school..I realized that i was walkin extremeli slow today as my pace dropped..alot of people whu were way back me overtook me as i jus put on the "i-need-some-breathin-space" reaction..

Thinkin of alot of issues and confusing myself...i was jus nt myself..In class i wasn't able to concentrate as i was jus thinkin and thinkin..and one look at the MSN contact list jus made me feel that i should be at home..Jaya..Muhes..Ahil wasn't in school..Dinmak wasn't in class..and onli 1 thought was in my mind..."Pack up ur bag and leave"...and i jus did tat..

Ahil called me to his house..Tat was a good morale booster..We were laughin out..Playin around and disturbin Kamini in Facebook and MSN..and i did feel better..Thanks Mike!!...

and now i am in front of the laptop...back to square one...jus regrettin everythin that is happenin now..the question in my mind now ..

WHERE THE HELL IS PEACE???